Not for an Audience

I said something a year ago, to be precise. At that time I was proud of it because I was appreciated for it, for saying something probably no one of my age could put in spoken words. But to practice what I preach, I took the wrong path.

Then I felt disgusted. It only struck me a week ago that this version I practised was for an audience. To show as a person who opens up so the person in front feels comfortable, someone who started performing "understanding" because she was always misunderstood.

I remember accepting years ago, that I don't know how to make someone feel better when they're sad. So I stopped pretending and just stayed. Apparently, silence was my strongest weapon. People needed me not to leave and I didn't because at the end of the day, they knew that I mean much more than what I express.

Moving places, why did I even decide that I am supposed to change. That for people to really see me, they would need me to be more social. I used the Johari window to make people feel heard and it worked, which is the worst part. Now everyone expects me to show up for things that drain my energy. I opened a door and then apparently I live there now.

I have always found people to be exhausting. Not all, but most, yes. I have always known this about myself and I have spent a lot of energy being embarrassed about it and then more energy trying to fix it.

Moral of the story: You cannot perform your way into a different soul. So go back. Fuck off people and don't care if you appear rude. Go back to the time when you had room to breathe and was still loved. Maybe more understood because you were genuine.